My answer is: neither!
Expectations are simply part of your life and part of your relationships with others.
However, if this aspect is weighing on you because of the negative feelings associated with it, and you feel pressured, then that’s not good—and you can work on it. Because in the long run, negativity, pressure, and the anxiety and stress that come with them aren’t good for you.
Life would be so much easier if you didn’t constantly have to live up to other people’s expectations, wouldn’t it? Someone is always expecting something from you: your boss, your coworkers, your partner, your kids—or even your best friend, who often expects too much?
Yet you’d so much rather focus on yourself and simply live your own life freely, just the way you want to?
But don’t you often demand and expect just as much from others yourself: from your children, your coworkers, your partner—or even that best friend?!
And then there are those expectations you feel every day—the ones you place on yourself. Those standards you believe you have to live up to in order to feel good and successful?
And then—you’re surely familiar with this too—as soon as the word “expectation” comes up, phrases like these pop into your mind:
“Surely one is still allowed to expect something”
or
“If you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed.”
So what’s the truth? And how do you get out of this whole exhausting back-and-forth of expectations?
It’s simple! If one person stops playing along in a game of ping-pong—or in this situation of expectations—then the whole game is over, right?
And you can stop playing along in this game right now.
What do I mean by that? And how does it work?
Let’s say you take a big step back and leave this hectic and stressful “expectation playing field.” You look at the situation that’s weighing on you from the outside.
You look at what you’re observing neutrally and with distance, and tell yourself that you have the freedom to react here. You don’t have to accept it that way—or rather, you don’t have to feel bad about it. Because when you look at it from the outside, you can try to sense what things are like without all those emotions, preconceived opinions, and fixed ideas. Yes, the expectations are still there—your own and those of others—but you’re no longer caught up in the middle of this whirlpool; you’re observing it from a distance and can decide how much it affects you.
And it’s up to you to deal with it.
Because your inner compass ALWAYS shows you very clearly what you need for yourself, and you can make your decisions freely with calmness and courage—you just have to look at the compass—and take the time to ask yourself:
➡️ What feels right for me?
➡️ Do I want to make myself dependent on these expectations?
➡️ Where do these expectations come from?
➡️ What can I do right now to make this feel better?
➡️ Have I already done everything I can to put an end to this game of expectations?
➡️ How do I talk about this? In other words, how do I make it clear—to myself and to others—that I’m no longer playing along?
Are these questions too theoretical?
To make sure it doesn’t stay just theory, I’ve written down a 4-step method—using these questions—that I call the Black Box Method. It’s a very clear and simple method consisting of four clear questions that you can ask yourself over and over again.
Freeing yourself from expectations is a process, and the Black Box Method allows you to transform expectations, one by one, step by step.
It’s as if the black box in your head becomes a transparent box.
You free yourself from expectations and then become confident, independent, and self-determined—even in your interactions with others. This means you stand by yourself, your desires, your values, and your feelings—and you also better understand those of others.
Bianca-Maria
And you’re welcome to book a no-obligation introductory session with me right away, and we’ll discuss how you can become more self-assured with yourself and others, work through all those expectations, and handle similar situations differently! I’d be happy to support you in this process!