Why do we accept expectations without ever questioning them?
Most people could write pages and pages about what others supposedly expect of them. Yet if you ask them what they expect of themselves, they suddenly fall silent. This is not down to a lack of reflection, but because we are rarely asked this question. From an early age, we hear phrases that sound like laws of nature: ‘What you start, you see through to the end’ or ‘You can’t expect to be a master before you’ve served your apprenticeship’. Such phrases become ingrained and turn into beliefs that guide our actions without us even realising it.
An example from my own experience illustrates how this can play out. I once cut short a year abroad, and some friends made fun of me for it. This gave rise to a silent principle within me: I mustn’t give up on something yet again. Later on, I stayed in a job even though I knew after three months that it wasn’t right for me. Nobody had asked me to stay. The expectation came from myself, but it stemmed from a story I’d never questioned.
How can you tell whether an expectation is truly your own?
Other people’s expectations often masquerade as your own beliefs. You can spot them in words such as ‘must’, ‘mustn’t’ or ‘one should’. If you catch yourself thinking things like ‘I must always be available’, ‘I mustn’t let anyone down’ or ‘I can’t leave now’, it’s worth taking a closer look. Behind these thoughts often lies a belief that you adopted at some point because it gave you a sense of security, belonging or recognition at the time.
A second typical expectation is: ‘Things will change eventually.’ We see the potential in a job, a manager or a partner and fall in love with what could be, rather than what is actually there. This, too, is a belief that keeps us stuck in situations that aren’t good for us.
Everyday working life shows just how costly unspoken expectations can be. According to the Gallup Engagement Index Germany 2025, only 10 per cent of employees feel a strong emotional attachment to their employer, whilst 13 per cent have already mentally resigned. Gallup considers it one of the key tasks of good managers to clarify expectations and define responsibilities. Put simply: when nobody articulates what is expected, frustration arises on both sides.
How does the exercise work that helps you distinguish between other people’s expectations and your own?
In expectation management, this exercise is the most important first step. All you need is a piece of paper, a pen and about half an hour of quiet time. Here’s how to do it:
- Write it down: Note down what you think your parents, your manager, your siblings, friends or colleagues expect of you. Write everything down, even things that seem unimportant to you
- Check: For each line, ask yourself, ‘How do I know that?’. Did the person actually say it, or are you just assuming it?
- Cross out: Cross out anything that isn’t true or is merely your own projection.
- Add a question mark: For anything you’re not sure about, add a question mark.
- Clarify: Address the unresolved points with the person concerned, for example by saying, ‘I get the feeling you expect me to … Is that right?’
- Add your own expectations: Write down what you expect of yourself, and check whether it’s really your own wish or just a standard you’ve adopted from someone else.
An example will make this clearer. You write down: “My boss expects me to still be replying to emails at 9 pm.” Then you ask yourself how you know that. Perhaps she sent a message at that time once, and you turned it into a rule. In conversation, it turns out that she only writes at night because it suits her at that moment, and she doesn’t expect a reply until the following morning. So you’ve been spoiling your evenings for weeks over an expectation that never existed.
Experience shows that you’ll cross out a lot of lines during this exercise. It’s a strange, often liberating feeling when ‘Everyone expects that of me’ turns into ‘I don’t actually know that at all’. You can clarify the expectations that remain through conversation, rather than continuing to guess at them.
Why are we so keen to brush these questions aside?
Many people start the exercise and realise after a few minutes that something else has suddenly become more important. Emails still need checking, the mobile is within reach, or a song starts playing. This isn’t laziness. These questions touch something within us, and part of us senses that the answers might be uncomfortable.
On top of that, our nervous system favours the familiar. An unpleasant situation we’re used to often feels safer than a new one whose outcome we cannot foresee. That’s why we cling to expectations, even when they drain our energy. Don’t judge yourself for this. There’s a reason why you act this way, and it’s precisely this understanding that makes change easier.
These tips will help you get started:
- Set a fixed time and switch your mobile to aeroplane mode during this period.
- Ask someone you trust to put the questions to you, as you’re less likely to dodge them when faced with another person.
- Go for a walk whilst doing this, as movement gets your thoughts flowing and makes answers come more easily.
- Seek support – for example, through coaching – if the questions hit too close to home.
What changes when you know your own expectations?
With every expectation clarified, you’ll feel more confident. You’ll realise what you really want and make decisions that suit you, rather than measuring yourself against invisible standards. This applies to the job you stay in or leave, as well as to relationships and family. If you know clearly what you expect of yourself, you can also say ‘no’ more easily and kindly.
Your view of others changes too. People we admire often show us something we’d like to live out ourselves and which is already within us. If you ask yourself what exactly it is you admire about them, you’ll gain insights into your own desires and expectations.
If I’d known my own expectations back then, I would have left my job sooner and saved myself a lot of energy. The journey there was still worthwhile, though, because it led me to the questions I’m asking today.
What remains in the end?
Many of the expectations you assume others have were never actually voiced, but are simply beliefs you’ve adopted – beliefs you can challenge by asking, ‘How do I know that?’ If you are aware of your own expectations and clarify any outstanding issues through conversation, you’ll make more confident decisions and, in the long run, live a life that truly suits you.