Why does an unwanted change feel so different from one you’ve chosen yourself?
When you decide to leave of your own accord, you have time to prepare. You’ve given it some thought; perhaps you already have an idea of what comes next, and you feel as though you’re in the driving seat. With a redundancy or a break-up that you didn’t see coming, none of that is there. The news hits you on a perfectly ordinary Tuesday morning or one evening whilst you’re on the sofa, and within minutes your life has changed completely.
On top of that, it’s not just the loss itself that affects you. It feels as though you’ve been rejected or cast aside. When someone is made redundant, they often read between the lines that they weren’t good enough. Those who are left often feel they weren’t enough. This interpretation isn’t necessarily correct, but that’s how it feels at first.
That’s why well-meaning phrases like ‘Just see it as an opportunity’ usually don’t help at the start. Opportunities do exist, but they only become apparent once the pain has had a chance to subside.
What happens in the initial shock following a dismissal or break-up?
Before you can come to terms with it, there is the shock – and this is not yet grief. It is more like the stage that precedes it. Your body and mind try to keep the pain at bay so that you can continue to function. You sort out the formalities, tell friends matter-of-factly what has happened, and yet realise that something inside you hasn’t quite sunk in yet.
Many people experience a typical pattern during this phase: they feel only part of the pain and push the rest away. Yet the pain returns, in the form of repetitive thoughts, sleep problems or images that keep resurfacing, as if you were reliving the situation. You then find yourself mentally stuck at the starting point, rather than moving on internally.
The actual grieving process only begins when you are truly able to allow yourself to feel the pain. Grief is not a weakness, but the path through which we process loss, emerge from suffering and reconnect with ourselves. This is easier to achieve when there is a space where the pain is simply allowed to be there. It is not about losing yourself in sadness, but about grieving consciously and having a supportive framework to do so. This could be a trusted person, coaching or therapeutic support.
Just how much of a strain does an involuntary job loss really cause?
If being made redundant has affected you more than you would have expected, you are not alone. A long-term European study followed employees aged between 50 and 64 in 13 countries over several years. The findings by Riumallo-Herl and colleagues (2014, International Journal of Epidemiology) show that: Those who lost their jobs showed, on average, around 3.4 per cent more depressive symptoms than before. Where employees lost their jobs because the business closed unexpectedly, the increase was around 7.5 per cent.
At first glance, these figures may seem small. However, they indicate that a sudden, involuntary loss has a measurably greater impact than an expected one. In line with this, an analysis by the European Trade Union Institute (ETUI, 2023) covering 35 European countries attributes around 9 per cent of cases of depression in the EU to job insecurity.
Grief following job loss is therefore not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It is an understandable reaction to a genuine source of stress.
Why does a loss sometimes hurt more than the situation alone would suggest?
Often, it is not just the current loss that affects you. We all carry experiences of separation within us; even birth is the first separation we experience. So when an employer or a partner leaves, that moment can dredge up older pain that was never properly processed. The pain of loss adds up. This explains why being made redundant sometimes shakes you more deeply than you would outwardly consider ‘appropriate’.
This feeling can easily lead to a fallacy: ‘It hurts so much, so it must have been something very special.’ Then the relationship becomes an ideal and the job a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that you’ll never get again. Yet it may simply have been a lovely relationship that perhaps wasn’t the right one for you, or a good job that didn’t fit your path. Just how much it hurts doesn’t automatically say anything about how unique what you’ve lost was.
The opposite happens too. Some people sugar-coat everything in hindsight, with phrases like ‘It wasn’t actually that bad’. Behind this often lies the fear of having to admit that they were blind or weak. Both approaches distort your perspective, and both delay the healing process.
How can you develop realistic expectations regarding your healing process?
Expectation management usually focuses on the expectations we have of others. After a loss, however, it is often the expectations we have of ourselves that place an additional burden on us. You might feel you have to be back on your feet after two weeks, that you should start writing job applications straight away, or that you need to appear strong in front of friends and family. With that inner voice saying, ‘I really ought to know better by now’, you’re putting extra pressure on yourself, and that takes up energy that you urgently need to come to terms with what’s happened.
So check your expectations before you make them the yardstick:
- Write down what you expect of yourself during this phase, for example: “After two weeks, I must be back to full capacity.”
- For each point, ask yourself: Who is actually saying that? Do I know that others expect this of me, or am I just assuming it?
- Cross out anything that isn’t true, and put a question mark after anything you’re not sure about, so you can clarify it when the opportunity arises.
- Formulate an expectation that supports you, such as: “I’m allowed to take my time, and the path doesn’t have to be a straight line.”
These questions are uncomfortable, and it’s perfectly normal to want to push them aside at first. With some calm support, it’s easier to face them.
What can help you come to terms with being made redundant in the first few weeks?
When you’re in the midst of the shock, you don’t need a grand strategy, just small, manageable steps. These have proven effective:
- Make space for the pain: Consciously set aside time when you’re allowed to feel sad without having to achieve anything.
- Get moving: When we’re stuck in a situation, our bodies often stop moving too. A walk in nature shows your body that you’re still capable of doing something. Even walking very slowly helps.
- Talk to someone you trust: You don’t need a professional to ask you a few honest questions, such as: ‘What do I actually really want?’
- Don’t put yourself down: There’s a reason for what you’re going through right now, and you’re allowed to acknowledge that reason.
- Seek professional help if you can’t make progress on your own: This is especially true if you’ve been feeling listless for a long time or your thoughts are constantly going round in circles.
Here’s a simple analogy. If a wound under your skin has become infected, you don’t cut it open yourself; instead, you get someone who knows what they’re doing. Many people feel the same way about old, deep-seated wounds: it’s easier to address them with a trusted person by your side than it is on your own.
When does a loss become an opportunity?
The opportunity will come, but it will come later than well-meaning advice often suggests. Only once the pain has had time to settle will you feel yourself and your sense of direction again. Then you’ll also see what it was about what you’ve lost that truly moved you, and you’ll be able to decide which aspects of it you’d like to carry forward into your life.
Many people look back later on an unwanted redundancy or break-up and recognise it as a turning point. You’re entitled to believe that, but it doesn’t have to offer you any comfort today. The first task isn’t to make something of the loss, but to grieve it.
What lessons have you learnt from all this?
Coming to terms with being made redundant means, first and foremost, allowing yourself space to feel the pain and reassessing your expectations regarding your own pace, rather than judging yourself for how you’re feeling. If you allow yourself this time, not only will you get through the acute phase more steadily, but you’ll also find it easier to reach a decision that truly suits you.