A client asked me that, and I asked her a question in return:
What does being “happy” mean to you?
Many thoughts came to mind, which we wrote down:
✅ when my partner loves me
✅ when my boss praises me or gives me a promotion
✅ when I finish my to-do list
✅ when I find my dream job
✅ when my sister apologizes to me
✅ when I have enough money to buy a house on the beach
✅ when I’m healthy
✅ when I feel inner peace
✅ when I exercise more
✅ when I have more time for myself
These sentences that begin with “if” mean that you’re making your contentment, your good mood, your happiness, or your joy dependent on other people or other situations. It means that “being happy” is tied to an “if-then…” condition and that happiness or joy has yet to come.
Only when a certain situation occurs or happens in the future—only THEN can you feel happy—or only when someone else does something to make you happy.
But what if that doesn’t happen or come to pass?
❓What if the other person doesn’t love you anymore?
❓What if you don’t get any praise?
❓What if you don’t have as much money anymore?
❓What if you don’t stay healthy?
❓What if you never feel that inner peace?
Isn’t it incredibly exhausting to just speculate about the future and be in a “wait-and-see” mode or to “wait” for things to get better?
Isn’t it better if we just let go of all these things we’re WAITING for and accept the NOW—or the whole situation around us—just as it is—without looking to the future and waiting or fearing that it will happen? Isn’t it easier, in the end, to find happiness in what we already have and receive—in the little things and in everyday life?
I did that for years, too—saying over and over again:
“Later, when I’m married”
“Later, when I have kids”
“Later, when I’m no longer working.”
I, too, spent so long looking toward the future, with that feeling of “later, everything will get better.” And in doing so, I didn’t look within myself or listen to my inner longing. I didn’t pause to ask myself whether this was really the life I wanted to lead right now.
I didn’t ask myself that powerful question:
If I only had a few days left to live, what would I do?
I’m not married now, nor do I have children, nor do I want to stop working!
All those worries were actually unnecessary. Because everything turned out differently!
Because I started to realign my life, enjoy it more, and live according to my own ideas and needs.
And yes, I know very well: IT ISN’T ALWAYS EASY, and I don’t succeed every day or at every moment. Still, it’s so, so worth trying—over and over again.
And one way to make it easier is to keep asking yourself these two QUESTIONS:
WHAT FOR and WHY?
❓ Why do I actually need praise from my boss?
❓ Why do I need to hear that my partner loves me?
❓ Why can’t I start looking for a house on the beach or living in nature right now?
❓ Why didn’t I finish my to-do list today (but did other things instead)?
❓ Why am I still waiting for an apology from my sister today?
❓ Why am I waiting at all, and what am I waiting for?
Behind these questions often lies the answer:
To gain security (financial and emotional) and also a sense of being loved and appreciated—things we believe we can only get from outside sources.
But asking yourself the questions “FOR WHAT” and “WHY” again and again—and daring to ask others these questions as well—is a huge step toward “being happy.”
Because it’s not about waiting, hoping, guessing, and pinning your hopes on the future, but rather about enjoying, living, and shaping your life—that’s what makes for an independent and self-determined life.
Start today: Ask yourself and others bold questions.
Bianca-Maria
And you’re welcome to book a no-obligation introductory session with me right away, and we’ll discuss how you can become more self-assured with yourself and others, work through all those expectations, and handle similar situations differently! I’d be happy to support you in this!